I watched the second and third episode of Lost and was still so bored, so I'm not going to finish it. I really really really don't care what happens to those people. I wikipedia'd the gist of the episodes and I'm glad I stopped. Lame.
So last night I read Olive something her sister Dorothy sent, some stories about a great grandmother of some sort. Olive kept saying things like, "Can you imagine?" and "Isn't that interesting?" And I sat there thinking, "I don't find that side of the family interesting at all." Does that make me a bad person? I've never really been all that interested in that side. I've always both identified with and have been more interested in my mom's side. And the older I get, the more I care about that side as opposed to the other. Then again, Kendra is the complete opposite, so I suppose it all balances out.
So the toilet overflowed last night. I was making brownies and Olive was doing the dishes. (She doesn't do a great job, but I think it makes her feel like she's contributing, so I let her do them. And then I don't have to do them. Bonus.) She was saying the water wasn't draining in the sink and then I heard a tinkle of water in the bathroom in the next room. Lo and behold the floor was flooded and the toilet full of dirty water that smelled like butt. So I tried to plunge, but it was so full of water I couldn't get the thingy to plunge properly. So I had to take a bucket and cart the water outside. Then the buzzer rings because the brownies need to be checked, but I was trying to get the toilet stuff fixed, so I just took the brownies out even though they could have used a few more minutes. Unfortunately, the toilet wouldn't plunge, so I just tried to sop up the water off the floor and Olive called her plumber (who is originally from Argentina, but his mom was German, so he doesn't look dark at all). So I showered to wash all the poo water off me and my shoes and then had a brownie. Which kinda tasted like poo smell. But I have been eating them anyways because chocolate is God's gift to women, even if it's slightly pooey.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Kill Me!
So I watched the first episode in Lost, to see what all the fuss has been about. Could barely get through it. I had to force myself to finish the episode. I'm pretty sure the thingy in the trees is either 1) a dinosaur 2) an alien or 3) a crazy guy in a machine of some sort. Or maybe a giant race of primitive peoples. All four of those ideas however are LAME! I'm going to see if I can get through the second episode tonight. I was thinking maybe the first episode sucked because I kept seeing all these completely ridiculous medical things. For example, the pregnant woman who falls ON HER STOMACH on the beach when something blows up, but she's "okay" later on. I don't think so. And the doctor doing CPR for like 2 seconds and the lady (who had air blown into her stomach but for some reason didn't throw up-yeah right) is suddenly okay. When you do CPR on someone, their ribs separate. She didn't look like she had rib problems. And certain people were looking WAY too suspicious, so you can pretty much either kill them off or rule them out of anything related to the crash. I have a feeling this should have been a movie, not a TV series.
At any rate, after watching that and limewire-ing tons of songs, I said prayers before going to sleep. Yeah, knelt there so long I had like permanent imprints on my knees. Is it possible to pester God when you spend months and months for an answer to a certain question and still end up empty-handed? Bollocks.
I was in a relatively good mood this morning, then I got all these letters from student loans and realized how big a mess everything is because MSU Financial Aid office SCREWED ME BIG TIME when they sent my loan money back instead of using it to pay off the rest of my bill, LIKE THEY PROMISED THEY WOULD! May they have terrible smelly gas at inopportune times.
I am so done with my current situation I could scream. But then I remember that when I leave I'll have no money, no job, no nothing. I've done my share of nothingness in life. Kinda want to be spoiled and have a roof over my head and food in my fridge, to eat my fill instead of stopping and knowing I have to save some for later or I won't have any later on.
And I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be around poor/average people again. You would not believe how tedious it gets to be around vain people who throw money around like toilet paper and put so much importance on social status until you want to give yourself a lobotomy. I really need to get out of here before I turn into a horrible person, if I haven't already.
At any rate, after watching that and limewire-ing tons of songs, I said prayers before going to sleep. Yeah, knelt there so long I had like permanent imprints on my knees. Is it possible to pester God when you spend months and months for an answer to a certain question and still end up empty-handed? Bollocks.
I was in a relatively good mood this morning, then I got all these letters from student loans and realized how big a mess everything is because MSU Financial Aid office SCREWED ME BIG TIME when they sent my loan money back instead of using it to pay off the rest of my bill, LIKE THEY PROMISED THEY WOULD! May they have terrible smelly gas at inopportune times.
I am so done with my current situation I could scream. But then I remember that when I leave I'll have no money, no job, no nothing. I've done my share of nothingness in life. Kinda want to be spoiled and have a roof over my head and food in my fridge, to eat my fill instead of stopping and knowing I have to save some for later or I won't have any later on.
And I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be around poor/average people again. You would not believe how tedious it gets to be around vain people who throw money around like toilet paper and put so much importance on social status until you want to give yourself a lobotomy. I really need to get out of here before I turn into a horrible person, if I haven't already.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Say wha? Oh no she di'n't!
I forgot to write this yesterday:
As we were walking into the medical center building for Olive's appointment, we passed by an elderly obviously Jewish gentleman. He was broad shouldered, but stooped, and wearing a nice black suit and black hat that reminds me of golfers. As we passed each other, he nodded politely and said, "Good mOrning" (with an emphasis on the O) in a slight accent. First of all, I felt like I was in Victorian England, where people actually greeted each other with good mornings. Secondly, no one in LA ever meets eyes, let alone greets a stranger. And he wasn't like a creeper either. I think it was because I had an old lady literally on my arm. People are more polite when they see me walking around with her. Maybe they can see the desperation on my face.
Today Olive wanted to go to Macy's to look for "white slacks". First of all, who wears white pants any more? So we drive down there and she's looking around and, as I suspected, there wasn't a whole lot of options. So I show her a few that I find and she keeps saying no, they're too heavy. Then I show her some that were actually cute (except for the fact they were white) in beautiful white material that was really light a flowy, which is what she kept saying she wanted. She didn't want those and kept asking if they make white jeans. I kept telling her yes they do, but they aren't going to be "light" and would be "heavy". We had this discussion like four times in that hour and a half. Each time it was: "They don't make white jeans do they?" "Yes they do but you said you wanted light material. Jeans aren't light." "These are heavy material." She points to her khakis. "Jeans are heavier than those." "I want something light." Wait about 20 minutes and repeat the conversation. You really do turn into a child when you get old. She insisted that Nordstroms was close to Macy's and I said it wasn't, but she wanted to walk down there and lo and behold, she got tired and said it was far away. Hmmmmm. I have also told her the pains in her neck and on her scalp are muscular, but she didn't believe me until the doctor said the EXACT SAME THING! And when I tell her she's doing great health wise, again she doesn't believe me until the doctor runs a bunch of tests and charges her a fortune and says the same thing. It's like kids when they don't believe you and have to get into trouble to prove you right. At least with kids you can be firmer and lay down laws.
On a different note, my books arrived from the Distribution Center. The other day I was sitting there reading Our Search for Happiness by Elder Ballard. It's a brief overview of what Mormons believe. Olive asked what I was reading and says, "Read some out loud." So I did. And today she had me read 3 more chapters. I knew it's been a while since she been really into the church, but I had no idea how far she's drifted. The book discusses basic beliefs, a Primary child could explain most of it, but she kept saying things like "How interesting" and "I didn't know that" and so on and so forth. She wants me to keep reading it to her and since the Christlike thing to do is to read, I will read. The whole reason for ordering the books was to bring more of the Spirit into the house, so....
On yet another different note, as it gets closer to leaving here (like 28 days) I get more excited, but I also get more and more nervous because I will quite literally have NO money, NO job, NO way to pay bills, and NO where to live.
Today's example of the blessings of tithing: my bank account went from less than $90 to $350. I've no idea how because there isn't anything new in the activity and everything seems to work out mathematically. Awesomeness.
As we were walking into the medical center building for Olive's appointment, we passed by an elderly obviously Jewish gentleman. He was broad shouldered, but stooped, and wearing a nice black suit and black hat that reminds me of golfers. As we passed each other, he nodded politely and said, "Good mOrning" (with an emphasis on the O) in a slight accent. First of all, I felt like I was in Victorian England, where people actually greeted each other with good mornings. Secondly, no one in LA ever meets eyes, let alone greets a stranger. And he wasn't like a creeper either. I think it was because I had an old lady literally on my arm. People are more polite when they see me walking around with her. Maybe they can see the desperation on my face.
Today Olive wanted to go to Macy's to look for "white slacks". First of all, who wears white pants any more? So we drive down there and she's looking around and, as I suspected, there wasn't a whole lot of options. So I show her a few that I find and she keeps saying no, they're too heavy. Then I show her some that were actually cute (except for the fact they were white) in beautiful white material that was really light a flowy, which is what she kept saying she wanted. She didn't want those and kept asking if they make white jeans. I kept telling her yes they do, but they aren't going to be "light" and would be "heavy". We had this discussion like four times in that hour and a half. Each time it was: "They don't make white jeans do they?" "Yes they do but you said you wanted light material. Jeans aren't light." "These are heavy material." She points to her khakis. "Jeans are heavier than those." "I want something light." Wait about 20 minutes and repeat the conversation. You really do turn into a child when you get old. She insisted that Nordstroms was close to Macy's and I said it wasn't, but she wanted to walk down there and lo and behold, she got tired and said it was far away. Hmmmmm. I have also told her the pains in her neck and on her scalp are muscular, but she didn't believe me until the doctor said the EXACT SAME THING! And when I tell her she's doing great health wise, again she doesn't believe me until the doctor runs a bunch of tests and charges her a fortune and says the same thing. It's like kids when they don't believe you and have to get into trouble to prove you right. At least with kids you can be firmer and lay down laws.
On a different note, my books arrived from the Distribution Center. The other day I was sitting there reading Our Search for Happiness by Elder Ballard. It's a brief overview of what Mormons believe. Olive asked what I was reading and says, "Read some out loud." So I did. And today she had me read 3 more chapters. I knew it's been a while since she been really into the church, but I had no idea how far she's drifted. The book discusses basic beliefs, a Primary child could explain most of it, but she kept saying things like "How interesting" and "I didn't know that" and so on and so forth. She wants me to keep reading it to her and since the Christlike thing to do is to read, I will read. The whole reason for ordering the books was to bring more of the Spirit into the house, so....
On yet another different note, as it gets closer to leaving here (like 28 days) I get more excited, but I also get more and more nervous because I will quite literally have NO money, NO job, NO way to pay bills, and NO where to live.
Today's example of the blessings of tithing: my bank account went from less than $90 to $350. I've no idea how because there isn't anything new in the activity and everything seems to work out mathematically. Awesomeness.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Jews and Joints
Logan focusing very hard on his drums.
Logan rocking out with Davis. It was so cute to watch him following Davis around. And then he decided to take one of Olive's canes and destroy the flowers, bushes, and trees because he knew I was on the phone and couldn't come after him. Brat.
Davis on his drums in his studio.
An odd picture of Davis playing on his drums in his studio that smells like ganja. The smell makes me nauseated.
This morning Olive had a doctor's appointment and had to have blood drawn. Last night I got NO sleep, so I was a little short tempered and exhausted. Note the sickly pallor of my skin and the dark circles under my eyes. I was sooooo tired.
This is me falling asleep outside the restroom, waiting for Olive to leave a urine sample. The scarf is new. It's different looking, so I like it.
My new Mezuzah. After the doctor's appointment, we went to eat and after that we walked into this Judaica shop just to look around. I asked them if they had those things that go on the door frame for protection. I saw it on Fiddler on the Roof and I've always wanted one. So I got the one above. And actually, a Mezuzah is the two chapters from the Torah written on a piece of paper that is rolled up and held inside this cute metal thing. The purpose is to remind people that God is One and to remind them that the holier they keep their house, the safer it will be. It also hangs as a reminder for when people are walking into the house: are they thinking thoughts or carrying an object that would offend God? The Hebrew letter is the letter Shin, for Shaddai, one of the biblical names for God.
Ever since I read Follow the Stars in elementary school, I've wanted a Star of David necklace, but I wanted it to be unique and not cheap and junky. At the Jewish store, the had a lot of the Hamesh hands (aka Hamsa Hand, Hand of Fatima, Hand of Miriam, Hand of God, Hand of Protection). They apparently protect against the evil eye and evil in general. Then I saw this one with the Star of David on it. The Star holds a lot of symbolism, my favorite being the number seven. It has 6 points, and a 7th in the center, reminding people of the six words of the Shema, and the 3+3+1 on the Menorah. Not to mention the fact that the number seven in the scriptures symbolizes completeness. So this necklace is like complete protection. And cool looking.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
My chicken exploded
Once again, there is very little to say to my loyal blogowers. I'm dreadfully bored and sooo ready to be done with all of this. It's bringing out some not-so-nice things, like when Olive complains about how active her life was before and how she wants it to be that way again. I was sympathetic (empathetic?) about it when I first got here, but when she turns down opportunities to go out with friends and then complains about being bored, I lose my sympathy/empathy. And a very small part of me is thinking, yes your life may be a bit boring now, but you had a very exciting life and now it's other people's turn to have experiences. She keeps wondering why she didn't just "go" when she had her stroke because "it would have been easier" but then I think she's still here because (this may make me sound like a horrible person) she's a bit prideful in a LOT of ways and this has been a big humbling experience. Also, it has been a test (I think) for her family, to see how they handle it. Although it would be nice to have a grandparent leave me a trust fund, I look at all of this and am grateful I don't have everything handed to me. I don't want to be like that.
On a different note I'm dreadfully bored. I try and lose myself in a book or with story scribblings, but it's not easy to do when someone keeps calling you back to reality. Today she sat down and asked me what I wanted to do. I told her I wanted to sit on the couch and write. Then she kept insisting I must be bored and must want to go somewhere. I told her I didn't, but if SHE wanted to, we could, she just had to name it. "Well, I want to buy some white pants." (Eww) "And then we could have lunch somewhere." I replied, "Well, it's lunchtime now, so by the time you got ready to go, it would be past lunch time." She said, "I think I'm getting the feeling you don't want to go anywhere." "I already told you I don't, but I would drive you wherever you wanted to go." We've had many conversations like this. She wants to go somewhere, but refuses to admit it and tries to get me to say I want to go somewhere. Or she'll be feeling depressed and keep asking me if I'm "blue" or "down" and ask if she did something to upset me. I've learned that when she says this, it's because SHE is feeling down, but won't admit it. Everything may be wrong with everyone and everything around her, but heaven forbid she be less than perfect! See what I mean by problems with pride? You can be put in situations like this and it can refine your patience and compassion, but I think that after awhile, you use so much of your patience and compassion, than instead of refining it, you start to lose it. And your mind goes with it and soon you start to look like Helena Bonham Carter.
Speaking of which, I really like Juliet Binoche. She's pretty, but a normal person pretty. And I loved the hair of the chick who played Alice in the new Alice in Wonderland. Sigh....I'm so bored.
On a different note I'm dreadfully bored. I try and lose myself in a book or with story scribblings, but it's not easy to do when someone keeps calling you back to reality. Today she sat down and asked me what I wanted to do. I told her I wanted to sit on the couch and write. Then she kept insisting I must be bored and must want to go somewhere. I told her I didn't, but if SHE wanted to, we could, she just had to name it. "Well, I want to buy some white pants." (Eww) "And then we could have lunch somewhere." I replied, "Well, it's lunchtime now, so by the time you got ready to go, it would be past lunch time." She said, "I think I'm getting the feeling you don't want to go anywhere." "I already told you I don't, but I would drive you wherever you wanted to go." We've had many conversations like this. She wants to go somewhere, but refuses to admit it and tries to get me to say I want to go somewhere. Or she'll be feeling depressed and keep asking me if I'm "blue" or "down" and ask if she did something to upset me. I've learned that when she says this, it's because SHE is feeling down, but won't admit it. Everything may be wrong with everyone and everything around her, but heaven forbid she be less than perfect! See what I mean by problems with pride? You can be put in situations like this and it can refine your patience and compassion, but I think that after awhile, you use so much of your patience and compassion, than instead of refining it, you start to lose it. And your mind goes with it and soon you start to look like Helena Bonham Carter.
Speaking of which, I really like Juliet Binoche. She's pretty, but a normal person pretty. And I loved the hair of the chick who played Alice in the new Alice in Wonderland. Sigh....I'm so bored.
Monday, April 5, 2010
My soapbox ranting for the day
All day today I was thinking of things I wanted to blog, but now that I'm actually in front of my computer, my mind is a complete blank.
Olive's grandson Logan came over for a couple hours today. He's adorable, but spoiled as Hades and has a massive attention problem. He was carrying around one of Olive's canes and I said, "That cane is almost as tall as you are." He replied, "Well, I'm only five years old." Touche.
Davis had a band over to keep working on their recording. At one point, as I was waiting for Olive so we could walk down and get the mail, I looked out the window and saw one of them standing near the bushes in a particular stance. I thought, "Hmm, I've been around guys enough to know what that means." As Olive and I walked past, I looked at him with a serious face and said, "So, did you pee all over the bushes?" He got beat red and said, "No" in a very unconvincing way. I looked over at his friend, who was looking at him like "You are in so much trouble" then back at the red-faced tinkler and said, "Really?" Then I laughed and said, "Just kidding. I don't really care." And I really don't, so long as they don't pee on the patio furniture. If I were a guy, I'd pee outside. As we walked down the driveway, I heard his friend say to him, "Dude, you are so red." I laughed so hard. It probably would have been funnier to say something witty like, "If you're going to water the plants, could you do the flowers as well?" But my mind doesn't work that fast.
Olive and Dorothy are driving me nuts lately. Dorothy asked why I was leaving and I told her I wanted to get back into school and that I was really homesick for Bozeman. "But you don't get homesick," she said. "I know," I replied. "But I am now." Then she started asking me, again, what I'd planned on doing after graduation and, again, I lied and told her I didn't know, that I was just focusing on graduating. She has never been one to loudly voice her opinions and her opinion on how much greater it is to have a successful career than to be a mother is one I have heard many times. So I would rather lie and tell her I have no goal for the future, rather than try and explain that I just want to be a stay-at-home mom. Then she went off on my sister and her husband (again) about how his particular career choice will make them no money and how Kendra got pregnant instead of focusing on her career. That led to asking what my brother planned on doing. I told her he would probably go to school, but she said something along the lines of him not being a good enough student. So, to defend my brother, I told her the mission has really made him grow and taught him how to work and she replies, "Well, he can write a better thank you letter." It really irritates me to no end how certain members of that family will do something nice for someone, then expect and DEMAND that they thank them profusely in an appropriate manner. The Savior himself said people who do that have their reward and will receive none in heaven. I'd much rather not have anything from those people than to get something great and have to scrape and bow for it.
Speaking of gratitude, I overheard Olive talking to her friend this morning about their mutual friend Marsha. She was complaining that Marsha had only been over once to "ask a lot of questions" and then leave. True, Marsha is one of those forceful, 'my way or the highway' personalities, but she's actually been over to visit THREE times since I've been here, always bringing a treat and visiting with Olive for an hour. It really bugs me how Olive complains about how horrible Marsha is, then bad mouths her to others for "not visiting". Argh. And I'm getting very weary of hearing how wonderful her family is one second and then hearing how terrible it is that they aren't doing things the way she thinks they should be done. I really, really don't understand how someone has to be so in control of every detail of everyone's life. She HAS to know every detail about what is going on, how long it is taking, everything. At one point, when she was telling me all the things she was going to suggest to Stan about what they need to do about Jeffery, I finally had to tell her that the situation was between Fran, Jeffery, and his father and that they need to sort things out on their own and everyone else (I didn't say you but she got the hint) needed to stay out of it. You DO NOT force a man who wants nothing to do with his son INTO his son's life thinking that will solve everything. How traumatic would that be for the already depressed 13 year old boy. Good grief.
And aside from hearing about how everyone around her isn't good enough, I have to endure questions about what I'm going to do in the future, what I'm going to do to be "a success", as if being a normal person is something to be ashamed of. This is nothing, however, to the constant comments about marriage and family and how my children are going to grow up to hate each other (like her grandkids) and how imperfect everything is going to be. I had to bite my tongue to not reply that "unlike some people, I plan on raising my children in the church". What is it about the older generations that makes them consider you a failure if you aren't married and popping out babies by the time you're 20? And just because their family turned out to be a disappointment doesn't mean mine is too. Argh argh argh!
I really need to get out of here before I turn into a nasty, snarky person.
Olive's grandson Logan came over for a couple hours today. He's adorable, but spoiled as Hades and has a massive attention problem. He was carrying around one of Olive's canes and I said, "That cane is almost as tall as you are." He replied, "Well, I'm only five years old." Touche.
Davis had a band over to keep working on their recording. At one point, as I was waiting for Olive so we could walk down and get the mail, I looked out the window and saw one of them standing near the bushes in a particular stance. I thought, "Hmm, I've been around guys enough to know what that means." As Olive and I walked past, I looked at him with a serious face and said, "So, did you pee all over the bushes?" He got beat red and said, "No" in a very unconvincing way. I looked over at his friend, who was looking at him like "You are in so much trouble" then back at the red-faced tinkler and said, "Really?" Then I laughed and said, "Just kidding. I don't really care." And I really don't, so long as they don't pee on the patio furniture. If I were a guy, I'd pee outside. As we walked down the driveway, I heard his friend say to him, "Dude, you are so red." I laughed so hard. It probably would have been funnier to say something witty like, "If you're going to water the plants, could you do the flowers as well?" But my mind doesn't work that fast.
Olive and Dorothy are driving me nuts lately. Dorothy asked why I was leaving and I told her I wanted to get back into school and that I was really homesick for Bozeman. "But you don't get homesick," she said. "I know," I replied. "But I am now." Then she started asking me, again, what I'd planned on doing after graduation and, again, I lied and told her I didn't know, that I was just focusing on graduating. She has never been one to loudly voice her opinions and her opinion on how much greater it is to have a successful career than to be a mother is one I have heard many times. So I would rather lie and tell her I have no goal for the future, rather than try and explain that I just want to be a stay-at-home mom. Then she went off on my sister and her husband (again) about how his particular career choice will make them no money and how Kendra got pregnant instead of focusing on her career. That led to asking what my brother planned on doing. I told her he would probably go to school, but she said something along the lines of him not being a good enough student. So, to defend my brother, I told her the mission has really made him grow and taught him how to work and she replies, "Well, he can write a better thank you letter." It really irritates me to no end how certain members of that family will do something nice for someone, then expect and DEMAND that they thank them profusely in an appropriate manner. The Savior himself said people who do that have their reward and will receive none in heaven. I'd much rather not have anything from those people than to get something great and have to scrape and bow for it.
Speaking of gratitude, I overheard Olive talking to her friend this morning about their mutual friend Marsha. She was complaining that Marsha had only been over once to "ask a lot of questions" and then leave. True, Marsha is one of those forceful, 'my way or the highway' personalities, but she's actually been over to visit THREE times since I've been here, always bringing a treat and visiting with Olive for an hour. It really bugs me how Olive complains about how horrible Marsha is, then bad mouths her to others for "not visiting". Argh. And I'm getting very weary of hearing how wonderful her family is one second and then hearing how terrible it is that they aren't doing things the way she thinks they should be done. I really, really don't understand how someone has to be so in control of every detail of everyone's life. She HAS to know every detail about what is going on, how long it is taking, everything. At one point, when she was telling me all the things she was going to suggest to Stan about what they need to do about Jeffery, I finally had to tell her that the situation was between Fran, Jeffery, and his father and that they need to sort things out on their own and everyone else (I didn't say you but she got the hint) needed to stay out of it. You DO NOT force a man who wants nothing to do with his son INTO his son's life thinking that will solve everything. How traumatic would that be for the already depressed 13 year old boy. Good grief.
And aside from hearing about how everyone around her isn't good enough, I have to endure questions about what I'm going to do in the future, what I'm going to do to be "a success", as if being a normal person is something to be ashamed of. This is nothing, however, to the constant comments about marriage and family and how my children are going to grow up to hate each other (like her grandkids) and how imperfect everything is going to be. I had to bite my tongue to not reply that "unlike some people, I plan on raising my children in the church". What is it about the older generations that makes them consider you a failure if you aren't married and popping out babies by the time you're 20? And just because their family turned out to be a disappointment doesn't mean mine is too. Argh argh argh!
I really need to get out of here before I turn into a nasty, snarky person.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Act like Christopher and start Walken away
Well, hasn't today been interesting? Somewhere nearby a dog was yapping quite literally ALL NIGHT, so I had to turn on a fan and a movie to drown it out to sleep. Even when I did fall asleep, it was fitful, so that I woke up a little bit late to watch conference. Or so I thought. I forgot that if conference started at 10 in Utah, it would start at 9 here, so I missed 3/4 of the morning session. Then this afternoon I fell asleep half way through the session, so I'll have to do conference tomorrow. I wasn't feeling well last night and it only got worse today, so maybe I needed the sleep. Then I dropped my external hard drive that I've only had for 3 months and now it's not working properly. Great. For dinner we went over to Stan and Fran's for dinner. Logan was very hyper and in a rather bad mood. Then I was to drive the Mini home since we need it for Olive's appointment on Wednesday. For whatever reason, Olive was a massive worry wart tonight, worse than usual, and she was flipping out about me driving back, whether I was on the right road or taking the right turn. She kept saying, I don't know where we are, so I would tell her, but then she'd get confused again. I knew where I was, but she was so worried about everything, it was making me tense.
Having a light at the end of this tunnel has made things a bit harder. (Touche God.) I am SOOOOO excited to be out of here and back around my friends that I'm not as patient as I have been in the past. Olive's little comments about my marital status are bugging me more than usual, as are her comments about how beautiful I am and how easy it is for me to get dates, blah blah blah. I know I should be more grateful for comments like that, but I've really never like elderly people telling me "you're beautiful", probably because they use the same word for things that are most definitely not beautiful. And normally comments about my singleness wouldn't really bug me, but I suppose with everything that has happened and certain personal revelations (I hesitate to use that word, but I suppose that's what they are) and then the massive emphasis on families in conference today has just pushed the line a bit.
But as much as I'm looking forward to going back to Bozeman, I'm also fearing it. It's like I'm afraid to love it as much as I did before because I'm afraid it's going to get taken away from me again. I really don't think anyone understands how much it almost killed me to leave and to get back into it all again and then to have to leave because I can't find a job or school falls through again, I don't know if I could handle it again. Ugh ugh ugh. I haven't been this homesick for Bozeman or this desperate to leave California in a while now. Ugh.....
Having a light at the end of this tunnel has made things a bit harder. (Touche God.) I am SOOOOO excited to be out of here and back around my friends that I'm not as patient as I have been in the past. Olive's little comments about my marital status are bugging me more than usual, as are her comments about how beautiful I am and how easy it is for me to get dates, blah blah blah. I know I should be more grateful for comments like that, but I've really never like elderly people telling me "you're beautiful", probably because they use the same word for things that are most definitely not beautiful. And normally comments about my singleness wouldn't really bug me, but I suppose with everything that has happened and certain personal revelations (I hesitate to use that word, but I suppose that's what they are) and then the massive emphasis on families in conference today has just pushed the line a bit.
But as much as I'm looking forward to going back to Bozeman, I'm also fearing it. It's like I'm afraid to love it as much as I did before because I'm afraid it's going to get taken away from me again. I really don't think anyone understands how much it almost killed me to leave and to get back into it all again and then to have to leave because I can't find a job or school falls through again, I don't know if I could handle it again. Ugh ugh ugh. I haven't been this homesick for Bozeman or this desperate to leave California in a while now. Ugh.....
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