My Ridiculously Awesome Weekend!

First, none of the pictures are mine. I stole them from Google.
Okay, so this is a long blog to read, but totally worth it because its choke full of cool stories! First off, I spent the past weekend with my Auntie Sierra in Kalaheo. On Saturday we all went up to Hanalei side to go to the beach alllllll afternoon. That night, when we had stopped to eat at Bubbas (“We cheat tourists and drunks”) somehow the keys got locked in the truck. Fortunately I was the only one holding a cell phone, so Sierra called her sister to have them drive to Kalaheo then up to Hanalei to get us the spare keys. For those of you in Idaho, it would be like someone calling you in Driggs, asking you to drive to Jackson, then turn around and drive to Idaho Falls. For those of you in Montana, it would be like driving from Bozeman, to Manhattan, to Livingston. Long freaking way. So we were in Hanalei from 7-10pm, listening to really crappy live music, catching whiffs of ganja, and, on my part at least, having a keen old time texting a friend.
Then next morning I went to church in Kalaheo ward and sat next to that same friend (Brandon) and his friend (Kori). Quite enjoyable. Funny thing happened in sacrament. The closing song was one of those short two or four liners that no one knows or ever sings, so no one sang it. After the song had dribbled to a close, the chorister dashes to the microphone and tells everyone they were going to sing it again because she felt like she was the only one singing. So the congregation made their mumbling a bit louder. Afterwards both Brandon and Kori turn to me and say “Welcome to Kalaheo ward. Stuff like that happens all the time.”
After church, however, was the best part. Kori’s 80 year old (or so) grandfather, Brother Hasegawa, was getting baptized. From what I’ve been able to glean, he’s the only member of the family who isn’t a member of the church. They call him “The Missing Link”. He’s never wanted anything to do with the church, never wanted anything to do with the elders, and to all intents and purposes it appeared the only way his family was going to get him into the church would be to wait until he died and do his work by proxy.
Until God sent “the angels”, aka the sister missionaries.
Now, we haven’t had sister missionaries over here for a very, very long time. On the second day they were here, they were having lunch with a member and asked her about any non-members they could go visit. She told them about her son, but told the sisters that they’d have to stop by the Hasegawas to get directions. So the sisters met the Hasegawas and continued to stop in whenever they were in the neighborhood or felt prompted.
One day they were sharing a message with Sister Hasegawa and were about to share a word of prayer when Brother Hasegawa came in. They asked if he wanted to join them, he did, then they asked if they could share the message again, so Brother Hasegawa could hear it. And history was made. Brother Hasegawa started sticking around for the messages and was soon being taught the gospel.
Meanwhile, one of the sisters, Sister D, is from Idaho Falls. Her father one day is prompted to go to Reed’s Dairy to buy ice cream. While there, he’s talking to the owner and mentions his daughter is serving in Kauai. The owner mentions that his son married a girl from Kauai. After comparing notes, they discover that the Reed daughter in law was Brother Hasegawa’s granddaughter. So after this Sister D’s dad sends his testimony to Brother Hasegawa.
And so on Sunday Brother Hasegawa was baptized by his grandson Kori and given the gift of the Holy Ghost by his son (son in law?). They had one of the sisters speak before the baptism and then after they had a surprise for Brother Hasegawa. Instead of Brandon’s dad speaking on the Holy Ghost, they called Sister D, who had returned home to Idaho, and held up the cell phone to the microphone so she could speak about the Holy Ghost and be part of the program.
The whole thing was so amazing. I had goosebumps the entire time and I don’t even know the family! Then after receiving the Holy Ghost, Brother Hasegawa, his face almost entirely hidden from the huge pile of leis around his neck, says a few words to thank everyone. His first words as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Afterwards, there was a big luncheon and I sat and ate ridiculously good food and talked to my friend Tina, who’s leaving for a mission to Portugal in December. After she left, I talked to Brandon and various other people until the only people left in the church were his and Kori’s family and it was three in the afternoon. One of the best Sundays ever!
Then one of the BEST DAYS EVER happened. Monday night Brandon sends me a text telling me to skip work because we were going on a NaPali Zodiac tour for $20. Google this so you can see what I’m talking about! Normally this 5-6 hour tour costs $160, but because the captain is Brandon’s friend, we got the hook up. (See Picture 1)
So, those of you who know me know I can’t swim and am more than a little afraid of water. I have nightmares about being dragged out to sea by a freak wave. So seeing this thing and knowing I’m going to be two feet above the water going over 40 mph…ya, little nervous.
The harbor you set out from is about 20 miles or so from the NaPali coast (seriously, google pictures of this place and bear in mind pictures don’t do it justice). Partly because our captain (Brandon’s friend) is insane and partly because you can drive to most of the places we were passing, Captain Danny rocketed to the start of the cliffs. (FYI: these cliffs are the second largest sea cliffs in the world, taller than the Empire State Building, and can’t be accessed by road at all.) Off to the right you can see Niihau, the Forbidden Island, and up ahead, you can see the cliffs rising slowly, tantalizingly, out of the water.
Before we could really get into the cliffs, Danny stops so everyone can snorkel. Now, remember, I’m in this boat, don’t swim, and have been refusing to snorkel for years and years because I’m way too chicken. But I’m looking at this water and thinking, ‘It’s pretty flat. When am I ever going to get to do this again? The guys are watching. Be a Nike slogan and just do it.’
So I snorkeled. In the ocean. Where there’s no walls to protect me from man eating sharks and turtles and Nemos. The girl terrified of water. SNORKELED! And it was awesome! I don’t know what kind of fish I saw and I dare say I could do a little research, but who cares what the little ones were because the highlight was seeing a Humuhumunukunukuapua’a! (See Picture 2) After snorkeling, Danny books it to the end of the coast, to Ke’e Beach. Along the way we’re seeing turtles popping up everywhere and, best of all, spinner dolphins, not ten feet from my foot. (See Picture 3)
Now, you have to understand what speeding across the ocean is like in a little raft like thing. The waves were “small”, only about 2-4 feet high, but when you’re only 2-4 feet off the surface of the water, and slamming up and down the swells, “small” waves create big waves in your stomach. It’s incredibly difficult to come up with the words to describe what it’s like to be bouncing around a raft like a carnival ride, your hands gripping a rope so you don’t get thrown overboard, your feet tucked under another rope for added protection, getting sprayed by cool salt water, the dolphins a few feet away and some of the world’s most awe-inspiring scenery all around you. No picture, no words can sufficiently convey what you see, hear, smell.
The water, as we progress, continues to turn impossible shades of green and blue. At times, you can see the bottom of the ocean flashing past you. Above you are the black cliffs covered in green and topped with misty clouds. Helicopters and seabirds buzz around reminding me of a bee hive. (See Picture 4)
Some of the cliffs look like a giant hand took a knife and cut a mountain in half. In ancient Hawaii, the ali’is (chiefs) would be buried somewhere on the cliff face. The person honored with the task of burying the ali’i would then jump to his death so no one would ever know where the man had been buried. This way, their enemies couldn’t steal the bones and consequently the ali’i’s mana, or power. Danny was telling us that in the 70s an outrigger canoe was found in a cliff. How in the world they got a canoe up there is beyond me. (Oh, when they tried to get the canoe down, they broke it into a millions pieces. Guaranteed there were traditional Hawaiians beyond pissed about this. Moral of the story: leave the bones be.)
So we get down to the end of the coast and Danny takes the boat slower and closer along the cliffs. He tells us about the Hanakapiai Beach, known locally as Hanakapidie because so many people drown. He tells us about the Hawaiian story about the star children frozen into rock spires. (See Picture 5).
We also hear about the Kalalau Trail, one of the world’s most difficult and beautiful hikes. It’s only 11 miles one way, but it takes you an entire day. Then you camp and the next day hike back out. He pointed up to a thin line hugging the edge of one cliff and told us how narrow the trail there is and how people crawl on their hands and knees to keep from being blown off. It makes me sick to think about doing anything that fool hardy. It wasn’t until yesterday that I thought about what would happen if two crawling people going opposite directions met on the trail. (See Picture 6). As you can see, there’s not really room to turn around or squeeze past.
Eventually you reach Kalalau Valley. (See Picture 7). According to our guides, this valley once held 2000 Hawaiians at their peak of power. Come the 60s and 70s, it became the Taylor Camp (named after Elizabeth Taylor’s brother), the most documented hippie commune in history. Apparently there’s still the odd hippie living there (illegally) and growing food and sweet, stinky weed. Danny joked about how the feral goats have eaten all the marijuana and are now very peaceful, happy animals. I suppose this would make them easier to hunt. At any rate, this is where everyone camps who were crazy enough or brainless enough to brave the trail. I’m perfectly satisfied with the fact that I will never see this valley unless someone drops me by helicopter or I’m boated in, if that’s even possible.
Danny keeps boating along the coast giving us fascinating information that of course I can no longer remember since I was starting to feel a bit queasy. Great thing about being with a group of guy friends and having the captain know your friend is that they make sure you’re okay and not scared and…to be perfectly honest…give you a half dozen reasons why you are desperately trying not to get sick enough to puke. I’d have no qualms about barfing in front of strangers, but people you know? I don’t think so.
The reason the zodiac tours are a million times better than the catamarans is that you get to go in and out of the caves! Again, how is one to describe the oppressively damp heat of a dark cave? You hear the water splashing and slapping against the back wall, trying to carve its way through the center of the island. Around you is the shiny rock, looking very much like someone’s taken an ice cream scoop and carved pieces out. Ahead of you is the fiercely blue sky through the entrance. Danny tells us that the winter waves get so high, it engulfs the entrance, trapping all the air inside and causing it to burst out of the cave like a gun, taking huge chunks of rock with it.
There was one cave that made a U-shape and we sped through it in a big circle a few times. According to Danny, it’s the Tunnel of Love when you go slow and the Tunnel of Terror when you go fast. Understandable, because it’s dark and you’re wondering if you’re possibly mentally unbalanced captain can even see where he’s going. But going from the bright, hot sun to the dark cool cave and suddenly into the light again…oh my goodness!
In this cave is a hole in the ceiling where the end of a waterfall dumps into the ocean. This was without a doubt the most beautiful thing I saw that entire day. (Apparently it made the cover of a National Geographic photography thing.) (See Picture 8).
We also turned a corner and upon this huge, breathtaking cliff where a spring of water was dripping into the ocean. You can’t see the water until you get right under it and watch the droplets coming down in slow motion. It was like something out of a dream or a really awesome music video. I could’ve stayed there for a long, long time.
But we continued on to what they called a “Traditional Hawaiian Washing” in the “Waterfall of Fertility” which basically meant they were going to drive us under a freezing waterfall a few times until we were completely drenched. And believe me, Danny made sure everyone was soaking. But seriously, I’ll take a bit of cold to get dumped on by water that only a few moments before was in a rain cloud. But you couldn’t stay cold for long, because we sped along to a beach where we could land and eat ono grinds (delicious food). Seriously, it was good. As we landed, they announced that if anyone had to tinkle, they could either “pretend” to swim or use the outhouse, but don’t just go into the trees and take a leak because the beach was an active archeological sight. Since I had to answer the call of nature, I was left with the option of either walking back into the water and having everyone there know I was peeing my pants, or use the hazardously unsanitary outhouse. The latter had toilet paper, so the choice was easy.
After eating Danny asked our little group of friends if we wanted to go on the tourist hike and learn about Hawaiian history or take his “manly” hike. Now, I’ve heard stories about his idea of hikes so I quizzed him on how difficult this “manly” hike of his would be and then decided if it got too much to do in slippers (flip-flops for you mainlanders), I’d just stop and wait for them to return.
So glad I did the “manly” hike. He led us through the trees up a dry river bed over rocks and around decaying goat carcasses to where a waterfall had at one point cut a tube out of the rock. Beautiful! Over the ledge you could see the tops of more and more cliffs stretching farther than you can see. If you’ve seen the third Lord of the Rings movie and remember the part where Aragon ventures into the mountains to find the ghost people, this looked very much like that. If you turned around, you could look down the river bed to the ocean below. Incredible.
Monkey Man Dan decided he was going to show everyone the cliff the goats clamber over by leading everyone up a steep slope of shaky rocks. I stayed behind. I dare say I could have handled climbing the rocks in my hiking shoes, but not foam slippers. One of our friends went up, but turned around and came and sat with me when he saw where Danny was leading them. (Danny and his sister, by the way, were barefoot. My EMS senses were tingling overtime.)
That was the last stop. It was funny, when everyone headed back to the boat, to notice how all the tourists were huddled in the back of the boat because no one was brave enough to sit in the very front, where the splashing and bouncing were the worst. However, since I’m apparently braver than them and technically not a real customer (they paid $140 more than me) I was relegated to the very front. SO MUCH FUN!!! The way out we had to stop to have the tourists switch places because they didn’t want to sit in the very front. Granted, the way back wasn’t as bumpy, but I stayed in front the entire time. I can very much understand why someone would get addicted to being out on the water.
Long story short, it was ridiculously amazing and I loved it! If anyone ever takes a trip to Kauai, save up your money and do this! It’s not a tour to snap pictures (take a catamaran for that) but in my opinion going in and out of caves and under waterfalls and being a few feet from dolphins and getting sprayed by the water is way way way way WAY better than standing on a boat with a camera! (See Picture 9).