Sidnee turned 18 today. In three months I will be 26. Rather depressing actually. And I noticed lately that the more I try to just be myself and not do or think or say things based on other people's reactions, I get ridiculed more. Retarded huh? How many times do we tell people that if you're yourself, other people will like you more than if you tried to be what they wanted. That is not true. When you are yourself people like you because you aren't as stressed and you're happier, but they don't like you better than if you were trying to please them, because (hello) if you're doing whatever makes them happy, then they are obviously happy and like you. But then deep down you don't like yourself. It's all so retarded. And most people don't even reach the point where they are truly themselves. They have been playing a part so long, they eventually believe it's who they are and then wonder where this underlying depression is coming from. But I have soooooo reached the part where I could care less about what other people think. I mean, I've always been the type of person who marched to the beat of their own drum and that's why I've never fully fit in anywhere, ever. But there was always a part of me that looked at all these people getting the dates and their college degrees and the jobs and I thought, well if they are getting all of this and I'm not then I must be doing something wrong. I let other people do the thinking for me and at the same time, still tried to maintain my identity. And as the scriptures say, "A house divided against itself cannot stand." So now I'm not just marching to the beat of my own drum, I'm dancing to it. So what if being myself means other people don't like me and I'm constantly getting dirty looks (and boy how I attract them)! So what if being myself means I don't get dates (it gets annoying when you're nagged about this)! I don't want to date people who are looking for a clone to date anyways (and boy do those clones rake in the dates). And the next time someone harps about why I'm still single, I'm going to tell them the Lord hasn't found anyone good enough yet. ((Can you tell I'm a little tired of being reminded about my marital status and tired of people telling me how weird I am? If I counted how many times a day people told me I'm weird and gave me 'that look', I'd have to start using the toes and fingers of other people.)) So the more I try and be myself, the more I irritate people.
Anywhosits, I've been having some seriously whack dreams. They fall into two categories. One, they are about people in Bozeman attacking me (verbally or physically) and I'm always mystified as to why. And if I try and convince someone in the dream that so and so is a complete jerk, they don't believe me. For example, the other night a certain person (who shall remain nameless) was being a witch with a capital B, but every time I tried to tell someone, they just got mad at me for lying. Two, dream people who bear no relation to anyone in reality are trying (literally) to kill me, usually because I'm trying to do something noble, like save babies. We're talking about violent dreams here people. So vivid that when I get on Facebook, I blur my vision so I don't see certain profile pictures of certain people because they abused me so terribly in the dream. Thoughts of returning to Bozeman were the only things keeping me going recently, but now it terrifies me. These dreams are so horrible, I'm afraid to go to sleep at night. (Come to think of it, I've been afraid to go to sleep so many times in the past three months it's amazing I've gotten any sleep at all.) Then again, sanity is overrated.
No comments:
Post a Comment